sweet dream

i had a pretty sweet dream this afternoon. 2 in fact. both had boys in it. haha.

well. the first one i rmbere me baking. and then i went to the guy’s hse to deliever it, leaving it in his fridge. but i forgot to tell him that i was there at his house b4 i left (odd isn’t it?) and i knew he was sick. (perhaps tt’s why i didn’t want to go so close to him. HAHA) anyway, he called (or i called him) and we spoke on the phone. sweet whisperings. haha. i cldn’t rmb what was said in the conversation.

the 2nd dream. which took place after the first, during the same nap. either the guy (different from the first dream) or me was walking a child (like walking a dog, but a child instead. identity unknown). I rmbered seeing a primary sch fren’s brother with his gf. REALLY ODD. well, i can’t rmb much. but i juz rmb taking a nice walk along a really small river where there are shops on each side of it.

yea. it was really sweet. one of the nicest naps i took all week. when will the real thing ever take place?

failure part 2

i wanted to redeem myself after receiving the mid eval feedback. i tried. i read my case notes properly too. but so far the cases (inpt) tt i see dun have a long history. Perhaps that is why i’m faring fine in that area.

this afternoon, i had a outpt pt whom i (FOR THE GAZILLIONTH TIME) was unable to take history properly. i’m not sure why. i think it’s they way i ask the questions that makes me feel that my patient doesn’t understand and hence i didn’t go on.  Or the fact tt  i just want to listen to the whole story before figuring out what else i shld ask in dept. or maybe i was just overwhelmed by the various summary and the similarity.

not to mention it was the wk4 eval day.

i wanted desperately to tell her not to grade my whole Ax based on this recency effect. i really think i improved in my inpt. it’s juz so disappointing and upsetting to know tt i still make the same mistakes day in and out. it’s driving me crazy. i think i really cannot make it as a Outpatient physio.

i’m juz even more worried that i can’t even be a competent one.

sobbed a lot at the hosp. I felt myself just giving “way” as i couldn’t tolerate my lack of competency when it was one of the last week. I dun even look forward to lunch on the last friday. how do u expect me to enjoy lunch with the person who knows how incompetent i am and grades me poorly? not that she’s grading unfairly, but even so, i dun feel like i deserve it nor do i feel like i’ve improved.

my head hurts. i just want to sleep.

i just want to run away and hide.

failure

I had a horrible day. The day where i had to fight back my tears from my peers and CE. The day i teared and covered up without anyone noticing. The day my eyes got wet and i had to dry it up without wiping away. The moment i thought about expressing myself, i felt my eyes starting to tear. So i couldn’t think of it. Until now.

Tears aside. I was feeling incompetent when i was reading the case notes. I know i was in deep shit when i couldn’t give a good summary of the patient’s progress. I regretted not putting in more effort in learning to read case notes properly during the days without my CE. Today, my loop hole was uncovered.

Assessment was poor. It felt like my first time seeing a new case, and i wasn’t able to carry out the Ax properly. Initially, i didn’t want to blame myself. I defended by saying that i had only one patient and my CE had to split into 3 to cover all of us. For my first patient, I didn’t have enough attention and i felt it was necessary to wait for her before doing transfers etc. There was a lot of time wasted transferring patient and doing the manual BP (I felt my peers had better luck becos they cld use a normal BP set for their pt) Also, both my pt had difficulty understanding/expressing themselves compared to their pt. So technically, mine were more difficult.

But thinking back. I know it was my incompetence and not my pt’s fault that i wasn’t able to assess & treat them well. I wasn’t able to come up with the problem list becos my assessment was poor. I wasn’t able to do the treatment becos i lack the knowledge (and memory in this case) to recall the best appropriate technique.

The outpatient case was just as bad. A simple case, yet i wasn’t able to do it “normally” without looking like an idiot.

Lunch was quiet. I couldn’t tell my friends though they could tell. I wanted to, but i didn’t want to break down in the hospital.

I have got to redeem myself. i fear my mid evaluation is NC. Today, i felt like i took 3 tests and all of them were borderline passes. It’s true. After seeing each of the 3 patients, it was a huge relieve, yet a major disappointment to know i didn’t do what i should have done.

2 days to redeem myself. 2 days.

uncertainty is scary

Today was truly the worst monday blues i’ve ever felt.  Poor weekly evaluation, poor practical results, poor evaluation of a simple case. I’m not sure how capable a PT i will turn out to be in near future. There are times when i thought i will just give up. The reason why i shake away that thought is not because i’m bonded. But i feel like this IS the job meant for me. Ok, so i’m not the most analytical person. I’m very bad at coming up with goals, and treatments. But I feel that i can do a pretty good job if i do try hard.  I’m just lazy when it comes to thinking. 

I’m currently worried about my poor tests grades over the past semester. This is definitely not the semester to drop my GPA. Mine is already borderline low now. Now’s not the time to drop slack. I have to buck up, pull up my socks, suck it up, and achieve the best for my exams. There’s no room for failure. literally.

Hello world!

I just wanted to have a new blog that will appear a little more grown up without the pretty htmls and cute backgrounds.

I’m unsure as to what i want to blog here, it’s my 3rd blog already. The other 2 still exists for other reasons. Well, like i said, hopefully this blog will teach me to be a little more growned up by restricting and/or limiting the contents i write and the way i write them.

Procrastinating as usual. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I don’t really enjoy saturdays, except for the korean drama that I’ve recently fell in love with. Weekends are usually unproductive because i spend most of the time sleeping, napping, catching another wink. Yes, of course i enjoy sleeping, for I lack so much of it during the week busy with godknowswhat. Sundays are the worst. I usually get nothing done, except for ironing clothes- which strangely, i do take pride in doing so.

Having participated in Napfa, there now isn’t a goal/motivation for me to go jogging. Well, losing weight is a huge motivation. But somehow, it does not have a bigger impact on me than jogging. I have contemplated signing up for those popular runs organised by Shape, Sundown, SC. But of course, i didn’t. I couldn’t even pass a simple 2.4km run, it would be laughing stock if i join even the 5km run!

Anyways, ‘internship’ has been nice. Not the most inspiring educator i have, but definitely the nicest of the lot. Not to mention another cute guy in the area too. He’s definitely growing on me. The way he looks at me. I’m pretty sure he looks at everyone else the same way too. It’s juz that he tends to hold a pretty strong eye contact which kinda draws you towards him. WHICH is why i don’t fancy him because that is probably the way he tries to flirt with girls (or clients) and gives them false hopes. OR so i think.